bigtips

I was hoping for a new subscription to Girlfriends

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

It's a new year, so my usual assumption that I'm surrounded by pretty realistic people is taking a beating. The annual delusions of lasting self-improvement are so thick it's getting so I can't lob my jelly donut across the room without hitting someone who's "really going to work out five days a week." Now, going to the gym is fabulous, especially if there's a hot tub, but the desperation implicit in these vows is the first hint that even the pledgers know they're doomed. Granted, reforming a slothful nature requires a conscious and deliberate effort, but if the attempted adoption doesn't come from that deep down quiet place that actually enjoys feeling healthy, 'you're

screwed. What are the odds that so many people would have their personal epiphanies all at the same time? And vow to start their new centered lifestyle the morning after they were featured swaggering across a friend's living room in a Baby New Year diaper with a bottle of champagne tucked down the front?

That doesn't mean you shouldn't decide to make changes and try to live them. But a contrived starting date has nothing to offer us except an opportunity to be frustrated in symphony with millions of other would-be reformers. The oddest thing is, that by picking a specific day to start, we've probably wasted some good introspective time that would have been rich for healthful self-care, because it was before D-Day. Don't put off taking care of yourself. Don't wait until January 1st, or next Monday, or the day the Cheesecake Festival leaves town. Keep a short list of goals in your head, like eating 5 servings of fruits/vegetables a day, or walking up all the stairs you encounter. And try to do them every time. And if you don't, don't wait until the next morning, or next week, or next January first to try again. Just walk up the next set of stairs you come across. That way, having a goal doesn't mean permission to go nutty when you "blow it." There's no blowing it. It's tiring, because ultimately there's no promise of relief from inevitable failure. But wouldn't it be great to make a resolution you can keep?

Dear Big Tipper,

I am incensed, and I can't decide what the proper course of action is. My girlfriend's sister sent me a subscription to Weight Watcher's Magazine for Christmas. Firstly, I'm not fat. I'm 5'8", and weigh about 160 pounds. Second, even if I was fat, I've never said anything to her that has indicated any desire to change my body, or size. We are friendly, but we don't have the kind of intimate relationship that would ever make

it appropriate for her to comment on my body this way. As far as I know, she's never even been in Weight Watchers (she's very thin). My partner is heavy, but I love her just

the way she is. I don't want to be rude to her sister, but I feel like I'll explode if I get a copy of this magazine every single month for TWO YEARS! I was afraid that the gift I had gotten her was too impersonal (tablecloth and napkins), but now I know how bad it can be to get something too personal and wholly

EO

BIG TIPS

inappropriate. Do you have any suggestions for me on how to deal with this?

Dear Magazine Mad,

Oy. It's enough of a nightmare to worry about what to buy for relatives,

January 19, 2001 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

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but your response really points out how bad it can be when you err. First of all, if you can believe that she didn't mean to be malicious, and is just a well-meaning dork with no shopping skills, take a hundred deep breaths and calm down. Yeah, it was rude, but assuming she's straight, she lives in a world where there's an assumption that there are always a few pounds to be lost, and women spend a lot of time commiserating about it. It may have been a clumsy stab at intimacy. More probably, she's worried about her sister, and wants there to be the magazine in the house without being so pointed as to give it to her. That's an issue for your sweetie to deal with with her sister.

I'd suggest calling up WW Magazine and seeing what sort of subscription it is. If it is from some sort of magazine service, you can call them and see if they'll switch the subscription to one for another magazine. Then you can tell your sister-in-law how much you love magazines, and you thought you'd enjoy this one more. If you can't transfer the subscription, just cancel it, so you don't have to look at it. There's probably no graceful way to come out and say that this present was offensive, but you can make pointed remarks about how you feel happy and healthy in your body the way it is, and that you love your sweetie's bod, and that you think dieting is a) not necessary, b) not good for you, c) nobody's biz but yours.

Here's a side note: it was a stupid present, but you seem really incensed. Are you mad that you think she was saying you're fat? Do you feel hurt that she knows you so little? Do you feel like she's manipulating her sister, and that's setting you off? What's really pissing you off? If you're paranoid about your body, you've got your work cut out for you. If you want your sister-in-law to know you better, spend more time with her, or talking with her on the phone. If you think she has a screwed up relationship with your sweetie, talk to your girl about it and see if she feels manipulated or hurt. You may be getting upset over something that they've already worked out or learned to live around. Good luck.

Burning questions? Contact me at GPC, Attention: Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or email to martone@drizzle.com.

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